Congress plans move to classify Cigarette smokers as ‘minority’ after Budget announcement

New Delhi: After the newly elected NDA government’s announcement of its maiden budget, Cigarette smokers are in for a surprise. Cigarette price will go up by 12-14% for regular length cigarettes where excise duty has been increased by 11-21%, and the smaller size cigarettes prices will go up from Rs. 2/- per stick to Rs. 2.5-3 per stick thanks to a whopping 72% increase in duties.

“We have chosen to increase the duties on cigarettes to act as a deterrent and discourage the citizens from the habit of smoking”, Union Finance Minister Arun Jaitley said while announcing the details, adding “This will help in curbing the number of smokers in the country”.

“This is not fair. We will start rioting, raping, looting and murdering all around if prices of cigarettes are not reduced”, Mr. Sutta Joshi a college student and a chain smoker allegedly threatened to some reporters after the budget announcement, “Its hurts our sentiments since we are so attached to cigarettes”.

As per sources, the word ‘sentiments’ sent shivering waves down the spine of some Congress leaders which triggered a path-breaking idea in the mind of Congress party president Sonia Gandhi.

“We will fight for the rights of smokers. If majority of people in the country stop smoking, then only few active smokers will be left. We will fight for their minority status so that they are not bullied by the majority non-smokers” Sonia ji shared with the reporters shortly after the announcement.

“Sonia madam will write a letter to Prime Minister Narendra Modi appealing him to declare smokers as ‘minority’ status and grant them constitutional safeguards such as reservation in public undertaking and employment” a Congress spokesperson told media-persons yesterday, and slammed PM Modi for oppressing smokers.

According to sources in Uttar Pradesh, Samajwadi Party supremo Mulayam Singh Yadav is reportedly in a war against its UPA ally Congress to patent a new votebank. “Hum chunaav jeete, toh smokers ke liye badlaav layenge (if we win, we will bring change for smokers)” an SP spokesperson asserted to local reporters in Lucknow, in its latest bid to attract smokers to the party.

Mulayam Singh Yadav received widespread acknowledgment and credit for discovering a new votebank of ‘rapists’ previously when he promised to bring changes in rape laws saying “ladkon se galti ho jaati hai (boys make mistakes)” drawing cheer from many rapists and prospective offenders.

Political analysts have concluded that smokers will be a handy and decisive minority during assembly elections which are scheduled to take place in various States. Liberals and intellectuals have appealed smokers to be vigilant and decisive in their voting.

Modi responsible for low rainfall this year: Congress

New Delhi: The country has seen some of the lowest rainfalls this year and, according to Congress, its all because of Modi. “Because of Modi’s 2002 riots, the rain Gods are not happy, so they are punishing people for electing Modi by giving us less rainfall this year” a Congress spokesperson pointed out.

The voice of the Congress party finds resonance with mainstream intellectuals and liberals. While intellectual liberals are the ones who usually detest and denounce ‘regressive’ and ‘primitive’ thinking such as black magic, superstition, etc. they have made an exception with PM Narendra Modi. “We condemn Modi for the 2002 riots. Modi’s actions have resulted in low rainfall this year” a secular liberal enlightened our reporter.

Sonia Gandhi has written a letter to Narendra Modi blaming him for low rainfall this year and demanding him to resign and seek forgiveness from the rain Gods. “Sonia madam’s letter to Modi has yet not received a reply. Is this how Modi wants to bring ‘Ache din’ for the nation?” Congress leader Sanjay Jha tweeted taking a dig at Modi’s election slogan ‘Ache Din Aane Wale Hai’.

Intellectual liberals sponsored caught hold of some Hindu priests in Varanasi who came out in mass agitation against PM Modi. “We will not rest until Modi resigns and performs Puja asking for forgiveness from the rain Gods” one priest spoke to media persons on Thursday. “This proves that secular priests are against Modi” an intellectual liberal said, who accompanied the priest at the agitation.

BJP reacted strongly with spokesperson Prakash Javadekar saying “Howcome rain Gods don’t have a problem with the 1984 riots? They only have problem with 2002 riots but not the other scores of riots which took place across the country in last one century” which evoked little interest from intellectuals and secular liberals who insisted that the rain Gods don’t have any problem with secular riots, but only the communal riots of 2002.

“In India, we value the priceless virtues of secularism above everything else. That is why we have thousands of NGOs for relief of Gujarat riot victims who are minorities and practically nothing for the communal Kashmiri Hindus who have been displaced because they are communal” an intellectual liberal working with an NGO explained.

Meanwhile, foreign funds are pouring in to float an NGO that will provide relief and rehabilitation to those persons who are victims of drought caused by the low rainfall attributable to Modi. The promoters of the NGOs are in the course of filing a petition against Modi to expose his communal intentions behind the low rainfall being seen this year.

Diggy in race to be declared Cong party’s PM candidate: Sources

Diggy with his trademark smile

Diggy with his trademark smile

New Delhi: The internet is rife with rumors that Congress party leader and RSS hand-finder Digvijaya Singh aka ‘Diggy’ is in the race to be declared the party’s PM candidate for 2014 General Elections.

In the run-up to the hotly competitive race for the top seat for 2014, Congress party is leaving no stone unturned to protect its dictatorial dynasty from vacating the country’s throne.

“We have tried it all. We have blamed Modi for almost everything- from rising onion prices, Patna serial blasts, Muzaffarnagar riots, delay in Food Security Bill, corruption, communalism, Section 377, Hritik-Suzanne split, to even KRK’s ‘Deshdrohi’, we’ve tried our best to drag Modi in everything,” explained Sanjay Jha, a Congress leader.

“Its all going nowhere. We are running out of stuff to blame Modi for,” Mr. Jha continued “Now we are planning to constitute a special committee to come up with new Modi-related controversies and link Modi to practically every problem this country is facing right now”.

In the midst of all these drawbacks, Congress leader Digvijaya Singh, who is otherwise an underdog in politics, is now finding the limelight. “Diggy’s skills in dragging Modi in every controversy will be very handy to us in 2014”, a Congress leader on condition of anonymity, told our reporter.

In the wake of rumors about Diggy being declared Congress PM candidate, the party has neither confirmed nor denied the rumors. “We have decided to test the grounds and see Diggy’s popularity first,” the anonymous Congress leader said “and if these rumors fetch some good results, we may actually declare Diggy our PM candidate”.

Pakistani PM Nawaz Sharif reacted to the rumors saying “Pakistan will be thrilled to see Digvijaya Singh as the future Prime Minister of India” signifying Diggy’s massive unrivaled popularity in Pakistan.

BJP has largely remained silent on the issue. However, BJP leader Sushma Swaraj tweeted saying, “We are looking forward to see Diggy as Congress party’s PM candidate for 2014”.

Diggy was unavailable for comment, but if sources are to be believed, Diggy is very excited about the idea of being India’s future Prime Minister.

Aside

Dear Readers,

Please provide some feedback on my news satire blog. I’ve been running this blog since almost a year now, and I’ve never had the privilege to receive any comments/ opinions/ criticisms or other feedback from anyone. I know this blog attracts some decent traffic occasionally. So if you’re reading this, please take some time to read through any article and provide some feedback or you’re opinion on it.

So, again I request, please provide some feedback on my news satire blog!! Pretty please..!!

Will send Adivasis, Dalits to Jupiter if Congress wins: Rahul Gandhi

Chhattisgarh: After the successful launch of the ISRO’s Mars Mission, another space mission is in the making. Congress leader Rahul Gandhi addressing an “impressive” rally here, has yet again set a high agenda for Indians which is ‘outta this world!’. This time, its not for Astronauts but for the Adivasis and Dalits of Chhattisgarh.

Experts believe Rahul Gandhi's near-correct pronunciation of the word 'Jupiter' is a strong indication that he is the best person to lead the country

Experts believe Rahul Gandhi’s near-correct pronunciation of the word ‘Jupiter’ is a strong indication that he is the best person to lead the country

Rahul Gandhi, while addressing the rally attended by nearly 700 people (7 being active listeners) touched many key issues such as the meaning of the word ‘state’ and criticized the BJP government run by Chief Minister Raman Singh of not doing enough for the Dalits and Adivasis.

“Dalits and Adivasis should learn to dream bigger. They need the escape velocity of Jupiter to be successful” Rahul ji said “I promise the Tribals, Adivasis and Dalits of Chhattisgarh, that if Congress is elected to power, we will send them all to Jupiter” triggering cheer as well as curiosity among the crowd as some wondered what Jupiter is.

“Jiju (Robert Vadra) will help in securing accommodation on Jupiter” continued Rahul Gandhi referring to country’s national son-in-law Robert Vadra who had once called India a ‘banana republic’. “Before, people from Chhattisgarh had to go to planets like Karnataka and Bangalore for jobs. Now we will make sure they find jobs on Jupiter too. Jiju (Vadra) has fixed some nice land deals on Jupiter” Rahul added optimistically, “we will also ensure Jupiter is free from communal forces “.

Congress leader Digvijaya Singh, as usual, seemed ecstatic about Rahul Gandhi’s grand ‘Jupiter Mission’. “Rahul baba is truly the best secular leader India has right now. Modi is communal. Modi is responsible for Jupiter’s high escape velocity” Diggy tweeted taking a dig at BJP’s Prime Ministerial candidate Narendra Modi who is also addressing rallies in the state.

Congress national spokesperson Sanjay Jha confirmed the plan. “The ‘Jupiter Mission’ is in initial stages. We have named the plan ‘Sonia Gandhi Jupiter Bhejo Yojana (SGJBY)’ after Sonia madam. It will have reservation for everyone including SCs, STs, Dalits, Adivasis and even for other minorities. We have put the estimated budget for implementation of ‘SGJBY’ at around Rs. 4000 Crores”, Jha said at a press meet, hinting a fresh new scam is in the dock.

Liberal intellectuals and neutral political observers have hailed the grand ‘Jupiter Mission’. “Congress party’s inclusiveness of including Dalits, Adivasis and SCs and STs in ‘Jupiter Mission’ truly demonstrate the party’s commitment to secularism” one neutral intellectual pointed out, adding “Modi only cares about industrialists”.

Meanwhile, a NASA scientist reportedly contradicted Congress party’s ambitious ‘Jupiter Mission’ by saying that Jupiter has no solid surface, since it is a Gas Giant (mostly made of gases). Reacting sharply, Congress leader Kapil Sibal lambasted the scientist and accused NASA of being communal. “We never expected NASA to join hands with communal forces. It is a respected agency and it should not interfere in India’s domestic politics” Sibal mouthed.

Homeless street dweller classified as ‘upper middle class’ after new definition of poverty

Mumbai: Pappu,  44, a street dweller has a new reason to rejoice and he has only the Congress government to thank for it.  Pappu, a homeless person, who resides in Mumbai’s busy streets can now fancy himself to be among the high and noble of the society.

Following the revision of the poverty indicator, Pappu and many of his fellow street-dwelling beggars are now finding themselves to belong to the community of elites in the society, the much admired ‘Upper-Middle class’.

527504_10151057363647611_217211126_n

By bringing street dwellers and ‘upper middle-class’ together, Congress government is bridging the gap between the social groups, some claim

Pappu spends the day begging at Mumbai’s posh and luxurious shopping hubs. “Linking road is one of my favorite spots” he claims. The 44 year-old street dweller almost collects Rs. 400/ day from his daily begging routine.

Various Congress leaders gave “remarkable” figures to define the threshold of poverty. While Raj Chaddar said that one can get a full meal at Rs. 12/- in Mumbai, others gave more impressive figures. Farooq Adbullah said that a person can have full meal for just 1 rupee.

Pappu buys at a minimum, 2 Vada Pavs and a Pepsi, every day on an average (spending almost Rs. ’30+’ per day). Pappu’s luxurious daily food habits puts him above people belonging to ‘Lower middle class’, ‘Lower class’ and ‘Below poverty line (BPL)’ class.

This new poverty definition has put Pappu and many other lucky street-dwellers in the category of ‘Upper-Middle class’ paving the way for a societal evolution.

Congress leaders are celebrating the remarkable feat of their government. “Now, less than 1% of the population lives in poverty. Our party has truly transformed India into an economic superpower” quipped Congress leader Ajay Maken.

Another ‘Upper middle-class’ citizen

Nobel laureate Amartya Sen too has congratulated the Congress government on this outstanding achievement. “I have been an economist for more than 5 decades but I have never seen such a miracle. Congress government has transformed India into a powerful economy without even raising a finger” the Nobel Prize winner said.

Meanwhile the real ‘Upper-Middle class’ is confused. They are wondering whether its a joke or whether they are being put in the same category as beggars because of the rising inflation and falling economy.

Doctor advises heart patient to stay away from Twitter

Delhi: Chummy Singh, 54, a heart patient has been advised by his trusted family physician to stay away from the micro-blogging site Twitter. Chummy, who is a supporter of a political party, has been fighting relentlessly against internet trolls in an effort to defend his party.

Chummy, who used to work in a marketing background and who is a big fan of Twitter fights, had recently left his job to do tweeting full-time. Unfortunately, sad news was on the way for Chummy. “I had just recently left my job to concentrate entirely on my daily twitter fights” Chummy said disappointingly “But now my doctor is telling me to rest”.

Chummy further explained his misery. “I only recently understood concept of hashtags. All this time I was tweeting without using any hashtags. Now that I have finally understood them, its too late” Chummy cried in despair.

“Chummy takes his Twitter fights too seriously. He exhibits symptoms of hypertension after a Twitter ‘fight-session’. Now, it seems he has even started showing symptoms of paranoia and delusion. Chummy thinks that the opposition party is dominated by ‘communal’ ‘fascist’ aliens from outer space who are using black magic and mind-control powers on him” Dr. Khujliwala explained to our reporter.

Somewhere in the corner of his mind, Chummy suspects that his physician, Dr. Khujliwala, himself could be one of those nasty internet trolls, who is now trolling him in real life. “I suspect Dr. Khujliwala is one of those internet trolls who is trolling me to get me retired from my daily Twitter fights” Chummy explained.

Remarkable, Chummy is not going down easy. Chummy considers himself a soldier for his political party. “I will die fighting (on twitter) but I will not give up” Chummy said, requesting us to leave as he had a psychiatrist appointment in the noon.