Monthly Archives: July 2013

Doctor advises heart patient to stay away from Twitter

Delhi: Chummy Singh, 54, a heart patient has been advised by his trusted family physician to stay away from the micro-blogging site Twitter. Chummy, who is a supporter of a political party, has been fighting relentlessly against internet trolls in an effort to defend his party.

Chummy, who used to work in a marketing background and who is a big fan of Twitter fights, had recently left his job to do tweeting full-time. Unfortunately, sad news was on the way for Chummy. “I had just recently left my job to concentrate entirely on my daily twitter fights” Chummy said disappointingly “But now my doctor is telling me to rest”.

Chummy further explained his misery. “I only recently understood concept of hashtags. All this time I was tweeting without using any hashtags. Now that I have finally understood them, its too late” Chummy cried in despair.

“Chummy takes his Twitter fights too seriously. He exhibits symptoms of hypertension after a Twitter ‘fight-session’. Now, it seems he has even started showing symptoms of paranoia and delusion. Chummy thinks that the opposition party is dominated by ‘communal’ ‘fascist’ aliens from outer space who are using black magic and mind-control powers on him” Dr. Khujliwala explained to our reporter.

Somewhere in the corner of his mind, Chummy suspects that his physician, Dr. Khujliwala, himself could be one of those nasty internet trolls, who is now trolling him in real life. “I suspect Dr. Khujliwala is one of those internet trolls who is trolling me to get me retired from my daily Twitter fights” Chummy explained.

Remarkable, Chummy is not going down easy. Chummy considers himself a soldier for his political party. “I will die fighting (on twitter) but I will not give up” Chummy said, requesting us to leave as he had a psychiatrist appointment in the noon.

Mosquito bites woman belonging to minority community; sparks national debate

New Delhi: In a shocking development, a mosquito has allegedly bit a woman belonging to minority community. The incident took place in Delhi’s busy NCR region when the woman was returning home from work.

The victim, a resident of Delhi, expressed her pain and anguish over the incident. “The mosquito bit me when I was getting out from the metro at Chandni Chowk. It was just a bite. I scratched it a few times. I’m fine now” she said while narrating the shocking incident to a local journalist.

The incident quickly sparked a local controversy. Thought the mosquito’s background and intentions are not yet known, self-proclaimed internet liberals have uncovered the shocking truth.

Its a clear case of communalism and fascism. The mosquito is intolerant of minorities” tweeted a secular internet liberal, which was re-tweeted by other secular internet liberals, leading to massive outrage on Twitter.

The assailant who committed the heinous fascist crime seemed clueless when reporters approached it

The assailant who committed the heinous fascist crime seemed clueless when reporters approached it

Following massive public outrage, the communal fascist mosquito has been caught and remanded in a plastic box at a local police station in Delhi. Secular internet liberals have hailed the swift action on the part of the Delhi police in arresting the mosquito.

Congress leader Digvijaya Singh smells RSS/ BJP’s hand in the incident. “Narendra Modi was giving his speech in Odisha and the mosquito bit the woman. Is there a connect? Wait for investigation..” tweeted Diggy.

Diggy spoke exclusively to our reporter regarding the incident. “Delhi has secular mosquitoes. They first suck the blood of the majority community, and only then do they target the minority community. But that never happens, because the secular mosquitoes get enough blood from the majority community, so they never have to target the minorities. This communal mosquito must have come from a BJP-ruled state” Diggy claimed.

Diggy also tweeted a warning to Nitish Kumar and non-BJP ruled states from the onslaught of communal mosquitoes, saying “Be careful Nitish Kumar and non-BJP ruled states. Communal fascist mosquitoes are coming..

Just like Diggy, secular internet liberals are connecting the incident with Narendra Modi’s Odisha visit. Here are some examples of efforts of secular tweeters to expose Modi:

“Narendra Modi visited Odisha and the next thing you know is a #mosquito bites a woman belonging to minority community in #Delhi.”

“Narendra Modi is a fascist dictator, he even inspires communalism in mosquitoes. #Feku exposed.”

The incident has sparked national debates all across India. Many top news channels will be scheduling a live debate at the prime-time slot. It will have several secular intellectuals on the panel to collectively decide the fate of the mosquito.

“Did the mosquito intentionally bite the woman just because she belonged to minority community. The nation wants to know. The Newshour Debate Tonight” Arnab of ‘Times Now’ tweeted.

“On Buck Stops Here: Mosquito bites a minority woman. Is it a Modi conspiracy?” Barkha of NDTV tweeted.

Some Congress leaders are mulling the idea of sending the matter to NIA for investigation. “We are considering it” Congress leader Ajay Maken revealed.

A honest sincere citizen, who had like, absolutely no “affiliation” to any political party, launched a satirical website using JavaScript to mock the mosquito. It showed the image of Narendra Modi with a mosquito in his hand, with description which read as “To know how I communalize India using mosquitoes, click the link below.

However, after facing “backlash”, the content was removed.  The site read as follows, “I quit. I thought you could make decent satire on anybody. But, clearly, apparently, I was wrong. Mosquitoes were biting me all night, so I had to shut the site down.” The incident was taken note by the media and appeared in almost all major news channels and websites exposing Modi’s mosquito scam.

Secularists hail the successful transition of Bihar into a ‘secular’ state

Barely just a few months after Nitish Kumar’s valiant break away from the NDA coalition and move towards the ‘secular’ UPA coalition, critics and observers have concluded that Bihar has successfully transitioned into a secular state.

“The first holy sign came during the episode of the mid-day meal deaths. Here, instead of taking strong action and showing solidarity with the victims, the Nitish Kumar government pointed fingers at Narendra Modi and the BJP, personifying the great values of secularism” Mr. Doggy, a very sophisticated politician and liberal, explained.

“After the mid-day meal deaths, Nitish Kumar government was brave enough to bring Modi and BJP in the picture. Even in such a tough scenario, they showed the strength and the stamina to be secular and politically-correct.  I see no greater secular achievement than this” remarked a former critic of the Bihar Chief Minister, who is now become his admirer.

The second holy sign was not far away. After the death of Indian soldiers in the LOC firings by Pakistan, a JD(U) leader showed great secular virtues by belittling the sacrifices of the Indian soldiers. “They join the army only to die” the secular leader said.

“One of the foremost virtues of Congress-branded secularism is anti-Nationalism” a pro-Congress secular liberal explained “anti-Nationalism is the highest attainment of secularism. Hence now we can say with ample certainty that Bihar has successfully transitioned into a secular state”.

The only sacrifice the so-called ‘aam admi’ has to give is to trash the good governance, political accountability, economic stability, development, etc. which the NDA government was providing when in power. Now the people of Bihar can enjoy the Congress-branded ‘secularism’ under the Nitish Kumar government.