Monthly Archives: July 2014

Congress plans move to classify Cigarette smokers as ‘minority’ after Budget announcement

New Delhi: After the newly elected NDA government’s announcement of its maiden budget, Cigarette smokers are in for a surprise. Cigarette price will go up by 12-14% for regular length cigarettes where excise duty has been increased by 11-21%, and the smaller size cigarettes prices will go up from Rs. 2/- per stick to Rs. 2.5-3 per stick thanks to a whopping 72% increase in duties.

“We have chosen to increase the duties on cigarettes to act as a deterrent and discourage the citizens from the habit of smoking”, Union Finance Minister Arun Jaitley said while announcing the details, adding “This will help in curbing the number of smokers in the country”.

“This is not fair. We will start rioting, raping, looting and murdering all around if prices of cigarettes are not reduced”, Mr. Sutta Joshi a college student and a chain smoker allegedly threatened to some reporters after the budget announcement, “Its hurts our sentiments since we are so attached to cigarettes”.

As per sources, the word ‘sentiments’ sent shivering waves down the spine of some Congress leaders which triggered a path-breaking idea in the mind of Congress party president Sonia Gandhi.

“We will fight for the rights of smokers. If majority of people in the country stop smoking, then only few active smokers will be left. We will fight for their minority status so that they are not bullied by the majority non-smokers” Sonia ji shared with the reporters shortly after the announcement.

“Sonia madam will write a letter to Prime Minister Narendra Modi appealing him to declare smokers as ‘minority’ status and grant them constitutional safeguards such as reservation in public undertaking and employment” a Congress spokesperson told media-persons yesterday, and slammed PM Modi for oppressing smokers.

According to sources in Uttar Pradesh, Samajwadi Party supremo Mulayam Singh Yadav is reportedly in a war against its UPA ally Congress to patent a new votebank. “Hum chunaav jeete, toh smokers ke liye badlaav layenge (if we win, we will bring change for smokers)” an SP spokesperson asserted to local reporters in Lucknow, in its latest bid to attract smokers to the party.

Mulayam Singh Yadav received widespread acknowledgment and credit for discovering a new votebank of ‘rapists’ previously when he promised to bring changes in rape laws saying “ladkon se galti ho jaati hai (boys make mistakes)” drawing cheer from many rapists and prospective offenders.

Political analysts have concluded that smokers will be a handy and decisive minority during assembly elections which are scheduled to take place in various States. Liberals and intellectuals have appealed smokers to be vigilant and decisive in their voting.

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Modi responsible for low rainfall this year: Congress

New Delhi: The country has seen some of the lowest rainfalls this year and, according to Congress, its all because of Modi. “Because of Modi’s 2002 riots, the rain Gods are not happy, so they are punishing people for electing Modi by giving us less rainfall this year” a Congress spokesperson pointed out.

The voice of the Congress party finds resonance with mainstream intellectuals and liberals. While intellectual liberals are the ones who usually detest and denounce ‘regressive’ and ‘primitive’ thinking such as black magic, superstition, etc. they have made an exception with PM Narendra Modi. “We condemn Modi for the 2002 riots. Modi’s actions have resulted in low rainfall this year” a secular liberal enlightened our reporter.

Sonia Gandhi has written a letter to Narendra Modi blaming him for low rainfall this year and demanding him to resign and seek forgiveness from the rain Gods. “Sonia madam’s letter to Modi has yet not received a reply. Is this how Modi wants to bring ‘Ache din’ for the nation?” Congress leader Sanjay Jha tweeted taking a dig at Modi’s election slogan ‘Ache Din Aane Wale Hai’.

Intellectual liberals sponsored caught hold of some Hindu priests in Varanasi who came out in mass agitation against PM Modi. “We will not rest until Modi resigns and performs Puja asking for forgiveness from the rain Gods” one priest spoke to media persons on Thursday. “This proves that secular priests are against Modi” an intellectual liberal said, who accompanied the priest at the agitation.

BJP reacted strongly with spokesperson Prakash Javadekar saying “Howcome rain Gods don’t have a problem with the 1984 riots? They only have problem with 2002 riots but not the other scores of riots which took place across the country in last one century” which evoked little interest from intellectuals and secular liberals who insisted that the rain Gods don’t have any problem with secular riots, but only the communal riots of 2002.

“In India, we value the priceless virtues of secularism above everything else. That is why we have thousands of NGOs for relief of Gujarat riot victims who are minorities and practically nothing for the communal Kashmiri Hindus who have been displaced because they are communal” an intellectual liberal working with an NGO explained.

Meanwhile, foreign funds are pouring in to float an NGO that will provide relief and rehabilitation to those persons who are victims of drought caused by the low rainfall attributable to Modi. The promoters of the NGOs are in the course of filing a petition against Modi to expose his communal intentions behind the low rainfall being seen this year.