Category Archives: India

Congress plans move to classify Cigarette smokers as ‘minority’ after Budget announcement

New Delhi: After the newly elected NDA government’s announcement of its maiden budget, Cigarette smokers are in for a surprise. Cigarette price will go up by 12-14% for regular length cigarettes where excise duty has been increased by 11-21%, and the smaller size cigarettes prices will go up from Rs. 2/- per stick to Rs. 2.5-3 per stick thanks to a whopping 72% increase in duties.

“We have chosen to increase the duties on cigarettes to act as a deterrent and discourage the citizens from the habit of smoking”, Union Finance Minister Arun Jaitley said while announcing the details, adding “This will help in curbing the number of smokers in the country”.

“This is not fair. We will start rioting, raping, looting and murdering all around if prices of cigarettes are not reduced”, Mr. Sutta Joshi a college student and a chain smoker allegedly threatened to some reporters after the budget announcement, “Its hurts our sentiments since we are so attached to cigarettes”.

As per sources, the word ‘sentiments’ sent shivering waves down the spine of some Congress leaders which triggered a path-breaking idea in the mind of Congress party president Sonia Gandhi.

“We will fight for the rights of smokers. If majority of people in the country stop smoking, then only few active smokers will be left. We will fight for their minority status so that they are not bullied by the majority non-smokers” Sonia ji shared with the reporters shortly after the announcement.

“Sonia madam will write a letter to Prime Minister Narendra Modi appealing him to declare smokers as ‘minority’ status and grant them constitutional safeguards such as reservation in public undertaking and employment” a Congress spokesperson told media-persons yesterday, and slammed PM Modi for oppressing smokers.

According to sources in Uttar Pradesh, Samajwadi Party supremo Mulayam Singh Yadav is reportedly in a war against its UPA ally Congress to patent a new votebank. “Hum chunaav jeete, toh smokers ke liye badlaav layenge (if we win, we will bring change for smokers)” an SP spokesperson asserted to local reporters in Lucknow, in its latest bid to attract smokers to the party.

Mulayam Singh Yadav received widespread acknowledgment and credit for discovering a new votebank of ‘rapists’ previously when he promised to bring changes in rape laws saying “ladkon se galti ho jaati hai (boys make mistakes)” drawing cheer from many rapists and prospective offenders.

Political analysts have concluded that smokers will be a handy and decisive minority during assembly elections which are scheduled to take place in various States. Liberals and intellectuals have appealed smokers to be vigilant and decisive in their voting.

Homeless street dweller classified as ‘upper middle class’ after new definition of poverty

Mumbai: Pappu,  44, a street dweller has a new reason to rejoice and he has only the Congress government to thank for it.  Pappu, a homeless person, who resides in Mumbai’s busy streets can now fancy himself to be among the high and noble of the society.

Following the revision of the poverty indicator, Pappu and many of his fellow street-dwelling beggars are now finding themselves to belong to the community of elites in the society, the much admired ‘Upper-Middle class’.

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By bringing street dwellers and ‘upper middle-class’ together, Congress government is bridging the gap between the social groups, some claim

Pappu spends the day begging at Mumbai’s posh and luxurious shopping hubs. “Linking road is one of my favorite spots” he claims. The 44 year-old street dweller almost collects Rs. 400/ day from his daily begging routine.

Various Congress leaders gave “remarkable” figures to define the threshold of poverty. While Raj Chaddar said that one can get a full meal at Rs. 12/- in Mumbai, others gave more impressive figures. Farooq Adbullah said that a person can have full meal for just 1 rupee.

Pappu buys at a minimum, 2 Vada Pavs and a Pepsi, every day on an average (spending almost Rs. ’30+’ per day). Pappu’s luxurious daily food habits puts him above people belonging to ‘Lower middle class’, ‘Lower class’ and ‘Below poverty line (BPL)’ class.

This new poverty definition has put Pappu and many other lucky street-dwellers in the category of ‘Upper-Middle class’ paving the way for a societal evolution.

Congress leaders are celebrating the remarkable feat of their government. “Now, less than 1% of the population lives in poverty. Our party has truly transformed India into an economic superpower” quipped Congress leader Ajay Maken.

Another ‘Upper middle-class’ citizen

Nobel laureate Amartya Sen too has congratulated the Congress government on this outstanding achievement. “I have been an economist for more than 5 decades but I have never seen such a miracle. Congress government has transformed India into a powerful economy without even raising a finger” the Nobel Prize winner said.

Meanwhile the real ‘Upper-Middle class’ is confused. They are wondering whether its a joke or whether they are being put in the same category as beggars because of the rising inflation and falling economy.

Doctor advises heart patient to stay away from Twitter

Delhi: Chummy Singh, 54, a heart patient has been advised by his trusted family physician to stay away from the micro-blogging site Twitter. Chummy, who is a supporter of a political party, has been fighting relentlessly against internet trolls in an effort to defend his party.

Chummy, who used to work in a marketing background and who is a big fan of Twitter fights, had recently left his job to do tweeting full-time. Unfortunately, sad news was on the way for Chummy. “I had just recently left my job to concentrate entirely on my daily twitter fights” Chummy said disappointingly “But now my doctor is telling me to rest”.

Chummy further explained his misery. “I only recently understood concept of hashtags. All this time I was tweeting without using any hashtags. Now that I have finally understood them, its too late” Chummy cried in despair.

“Chummy takes his Twitter fights too seriously. He exhibits symptoms of hypertension after a Twitter ‘fight-session’. Now, it seems he has even started showing symptoms of paranoia and delusion. Chummy thinks that the opposition party is dominated by ‘communal’ ‘fascist’ aliens from outer space who are using black magic and mind-control powers on him” Dr. Khujliwala explained to our reporter.

Somewhere in the corner of his mind, Chummy suspects that his physician, Dr. Khujliwala, himself could be one of those nasty internet trolls, who is now trolling him in real life. “I suspect Dr. Khujliwala is one of those internet trolls who is trolling me to get me retired from my daily Twitter fights” Chummy explained.

Remarkable, Chummy is not going down easy. Chummy considers himself a soldier for his political party. “I will die fighting (on twitter) but I will not give up” Chummy said, requesting us to leave as he had a psychiatrist appointment in the noon.

Guy tweets ‘Katju is a nut’, gets arrested by police

As one can see, there is clear difference between the two. Justice Katju (above) and Kaju, the Cashew nut (below)

On close observation, one can see clear difference between the two, Justice Katju (above) and Kaju, the Cashew nut (below)

Delhi: On Saturday, a famous twitter personality Mr. Khujliwala (name changed to protect identity) known for his smart wise-ass tweets was arrested by local police here for allegedly tweeting the words- “#Katju is a nut”. The tweet went viral and ended up being retweeted thousands of times. It also started a trend “#KatjuIsANut”. Justice Markandey Katju, who is also active on twitter, pissed off by the trend, filed a complaint at a local police station leading to arrest of Khujliwala.

Mr. Khujliwala is known for taking potshots and poking fun at celebrities and politicians. However, this time, his victim Justice Katju, didn’t take the potshot too lightly. Acting on the complaint, the police arrived at Khujliwala’s house sometime on Monday morning and arrested him.

The police booked a case of defamation against the accused Mr. Khujliwala, who was produced before a local magistrate.  Some of his followers and supporters had gathered to protest outside the Court calling for his release.

It is learnt that during the proceeding, Mr. Khujliwala clarified that he was referring to Kaju (Hindi word for Cashew nuts). “I was talking about Cashew nut, which we call Kaju in Hindi. Kaju is a nut so all I said on twitter was ‘Kaju is a nut’, though I mistakenly wrote Kaju as Katju”, Mr. Khujliwala is reported to have said in his defence. Following this, the magistrate released Mr. Khujliwala with a stern warning not to compare Kaju,the nut, with Justice Katju.

Mr. Khujliwala was seen grinning away as he made his way out of the Court.

Hafiz Saeed was juvenile in 2008, claims Diggy

In what can be seen as a rare gesture of friendship, Congress leader Digvijay Singh has come out in support of Pakistani terrorist and LeT chief Hafiz Saeed. Diggy has extended a hand (or rather, a paw) of friendship to Hafiz Saeed, mastermind of 2008 attacks, by claiming that the latter was a juvenile in 2008.

New love affair creeping up? Hafiz Saeed (top) and Diggy (below)

New love affair creeping up? Hafiz Saeed (top) and Diggy (below)

“Hafiz Saeed sahab should be excused for the November 2008 Mumbai attacks because he was a juvenile”, claimed Diggy.  Diggy wasted no time in extending his paws of support to Pakistani terrorist and LeT chief Hafiz Saeed soon after Diggy came to know that juveniles are at liberty to commit whatever heinous crimes they want in India.

This comes after Muhammad Afroz was ruled to be a juvenile by the Juvenile Justice Board even after his horrific role in the 2012 December 16 gang-rape case.

“Mr. Hafiz Saeed sahab was a juvenile during 2008 Mumbai attacks. He did not know what he was doing as he was just a child. He should be reformed and pardoned”, Diggy further elaborated.

Hafiz Saeed has taken Diggy’s statements very favorably. “Yes I was a juvenile in 2008. I can produce a birth certificate to prove it. Mr. Diggy is right”, Hafiz said happily. (Hafiz Saeed also fondly refers to Digvijay Singh as ‘Diggy’ now)

Pakistan has officially sent a birth certificate showing Hafiz’s birth date as March 10, 1999. Under this certificate, Hafiz would have been 9 years of age in 2008.

“I was just a child in 2008, I was only 9 years old. I was playing with my dolls when Mumbai terror attacks were happening”, Hafiz Saeed said to a local Pakistani news channel after Pakistan officially sent his birth certificate to New Delhi in a dossier.

Following this, Indian PM Manmohan Singh has made a strong statement. “We will not let Hafiz Saeed go scot-free even if he is juvenile. We have requested Pakistan to extradite Hafiz Saeed to India so we can send him to a juvenile remand home”, was PM’s official statement. However, after finishing, the PM asked someone behind the camera “Theek Hai?” just to make sure he said  everything right.

‘Your voice has been heard’ says the blind and deaf Sonia Gandhi: A story of hope

Sonia Gandhi

Sonia Gandhi struggling to smile

India’s most honest, sincere, trustworthy and clean-chit politician and national leader Sonia Gandhi has finally heard the voice of the anti-rape protesters. For two full weeks following the horrific incident of the Delhi assault on 16th December, many Indians have been, and continue to, protest in the capital and all over India. Their demands, pass a stricter and stronger law and constitute fast-track Courts for such cases involving crimes against women.

At one time, one could have only hoped that this message of the protesters somehow reached Sonia Gandhi, who, incidentally happens to be blind and deaf. “Once we manage to get the message of the Delhi protesters to Sonia Madam, maybe we can hope that things will change”, remarked a political commentator a little over a week ago. The cause for concern is how can the message of the protesters reach Sonia Madam who can’t see nor hear?

One may be familiar with the situation of ‘Michelle McNally’, the blind and deaf character portrayed by one of India’s leading actresses Rani Mukerji in the film ‘Black’ directed by Sanjay Leela Bhansali. Michelle lived completely in isolation in her own black world surrounded by darkness due to her inability to see or hear or express herself. These same circumstances somehow precisely describe the present situation of Sonia Gandhi.

With the nation in such massive turmoil, and no one coming ahead to take charge and give some reassurance to the people, all hope seemed lost. The one dependable leader, Sonia Madam, was sitting away in isolation, not knowing anything about this great turmoil. Her Congress party workers couldn’t find anyone to communicate this message to Madam ji, someone like the miracle worker portrayed by Amitabh Bachchan’s character ‘Debraj Sahai’ who was able to communicate with Rani’s character and taught her to express herself.

“We don’t have any miracle worker here in India who can communicate the message to Sonia Madam”, was the statement made by a concerned Congress spokesperson few days back. And without their esteemed leader’s opinion or decision, Congress is like a “stagnant puddle of water, completely useless and a piece of shit…”, as famously said by one of Congress’s leaders himself. So without their leader’s decision, Congress as well as central government remained brain-dead.

But hope was on the way. Just two days ago, an unknown person only identified as ‘Mr. X’, who miraculously was proficient in sign language approached the concerned Congress party leaders. He was immediately taken to Sonia’s place and spent hours and hours trying to explain the state of the nation by spelling words in her hand, just like how Bachchan’s character tried to teach Rani’s character in Black. Sonia, however isolated she may be, slowly picked it up. The first thing that came in her mind was to address her subjects that their queen has heard their voices.

After almost 2 grilling weeks, it took a great deal of protests across Delhi and all over India, and the aid of a miracle worker ‘Mr. X’ to get this message to Sonia Madam. And so it was established, Pranab Mukherjee may be the President, Manmohan Singh may be the Prime Minister, but it is none other than Sonia Gandhi, the queen president of UPA, who is the true leader of this country. Without her, even the PM and President are just mere humans. Their posts in the Government don’t count for shit, Sonia Madam is the real boss. But still, kind of ironic, because India is called the world’s biggest democracy (as opposed to monarchy).

The first thing Sonia Madam did was to come out of her cave and greet her protesters. “Your voices have been heard”, she said in a breaking struggling voice which was met with cheers from 90% Indians. Now finally that our blind and deaf leader has ‘heard’ our voices, we can expect some action from the government.