Category Archives: Politics

Modi responsible for low rainfall this year: Congress

New Delhi: The country has seen some of the lowest rainfalls this year and, according to Congress, its all because of Modi. “Because of Modi’s 2002 riots, the rain Gods are not happy, so they are punishing people for electing Modi by giving us less rainfall this year” a Congress spokesperson pointed out.

The voice of the Congress party finds resonance with mainstream intellectuals and liberals. While intellectual liberals are the ones who usually detest and denounce ‘regressive’ and ‘primitive’ thinking such as black magic, superstition, etc. they have made an exception with PM Narendra Modi. “We condemn Modi for the 2002 riots. Modi’s actions have resulted in low rainfall this year” a secular liberal enlightened our reporter.

Sonia Gandhi has written a letter to Narendra Modi blaming him for low rainfall this year and demanding him to resign and seek forgiveness from the rain Gods. “Sonia madam’s letter to Modi has yet not received a reply. Is this how Modi wants to bring ‘Ache din’ for the nation?” Congress leader Sanjay Jha tweeted taking a dig at Modi’s election slogan ‘Ache Din Aane Wale Hai’.

Intellectual liberals sponsored caught hold of some Hindu priests in Varanasi who came out in mass agitation against PM Modi. “We will not rest until Modi resigns and performs Puja asking for forgiveness from the rain Gods” one priest spoke to media persons on Thursday. “This proves that secular priests are against Modi” an intellectual liberal said, who accompanied the priest at the agitation.

BJP reacted strongly with spokesperson Prakash Javadekar saying “Howcome rain Gods don’t have a problem with the 1984 riots? They only have problem with 2002 riots but not the other scores of riots which took place across the country in last one century” which evoked little interest from intellectuals and secular liberals who insisted that the rain Gods don’t have any problem with secular riots, but only the communal riots of 2002.

“In India, we value the priceless virtues of secularism above everything else. That is why we have thousands of NGOs for relief of Gujarat riot victims who are minorities and practically nothing for the communal Kashmiri Hindus who have been displaced because they are communal” an intellectual liberal working with an NGO explained.

Meanwhile, foreign funds are pouring in to float an NGO that will provide relief and rehabilitation to those persons who are victims of drought caused by the low rainfall attributable to Modi. The promoters of the NGOs are in the course of filing a petition against Modi to expose his communal intentions behind the low rainfall being seen this year.

Advertisements

Diggy in race to be declared Cong party’s PM candidate: Sources

Diggy with his trademark smile

Diggy with his trademark smile

New Delhi: The internet is rife with rumors that Congress party leader and RSS hand-finder Digvijaya Singh aka ‘Diggy’ is in the race to be declared the party’s PM candidate for 2014 General Elections.

In the run-up to the hotly competitive race for the top seat for 2014, Congress party is leaving no stone unturned to protect its dictatorial dynasty from vacating the country’s throne.

“We have tried it all. We have blamed Modi for almost everything- from rising onion prices, Patna serial blasts, Muzaffarnagar riots, delay in Food Security Bill, corruption, communalism, Section 377, Hritik-Suzanne split, to even KRK’s ‘Deshdrohi’, we’ve tried our best to drag Modi in everything,” explained Sanjay Jha, a Congress leader.

“Its all going nowhere. We are running out of stuff to blame Modi for,” Mr. Jha continued “Now we are planning to constitute a special committee to come up with new Modi-related controversies and link Modi to practically every problem this country is facing right now”.

In the midst of all these drawbacks, Congress leader Digvijaya Singh, who is otherwise an underdog in politics, is now finding the limelight. “Diggy’s skills in dragging Modi in every controversy will be very handy to us in 2014”, a Congress leader on condition of anonymity, told our reporter.

In the wake of rumors about Diggy being declared Congress PM candidate, the party has neither confirmed nor denied the rumors. “We have decided to test the grounds and see Diggy’s popularity first,” the anonymous Congress leader said “and if these rumors fetch some good results, we may actually declare Diggy our PM candidate”.

Pakistani PM Nawaz Sharif reacted to the rumors saying “Pakistan will be thrilled to see Digvijaya Singh as the future Prime Minister of India” signifying Diggy’s massive unrivaled popularity in Pakistan.

BJP has largely remained silent on the issue. However, BJP leader Sushma Swaraj tweeted saying, “We are looking forward to see Diggy as Congress party’s PM candidate for 2014”.

Diggy was unavailable for comment, but if sources are to be believed, Diggy is very excited about the idea of being India’s future Prime Minister.

Will send Adivasis, Dalits to Jupiter if Congress wins: Rahul Gandhi

Chhattisgarh: After the successful launch of the ISRO’s Mars Mission, another space mission is in the making. Congress leader Rahul Gandhi addressing an “impressive” rally here, has yet again set a high agenda for Indians which is ‘outta this world!’. This time, its not for Astronauts but for the Adivasis and Dalits of Chhattisgarh.

Experts believe Rahul Gandhi's near-correct pronunciation of the word 'Jupiter' is a strong indication that he is the best person to lead the country

Experts believe Rahul Gandhi’s near-correct pronunciation of the word ‘Jupiter’ is a strong indication that he is the best person to lead the country

Rahul Gandhi, while addressing the rally attended by nearly 700 people (7 being active listeners) touched many key issues such as the meaning of the word ‘state’ and criticized the BJP government run by Chief Minister Raman Singh of not doing enough for the Dalits and Adivasis.

“Dalits and Adivasis should learn to dream bigger. They need the escape velocity of Jupiter to be successful” Rahul ji said “I promise the Tribals, Adivasis and Dalits of Chhattisgarh, that if Congress is elected to power, we will send them all to Jupiter” triggering cheer as well as curiosity among the crowd as some wondered what Jupiter is.

“Jiju (Robert Vadra) will help in securing accommodation on Jupiter” continued Rahul Gandhi referring to country’s national son-in-law Robert Vadra who had once called India a ‘banana republic’. “Before, people from Chhattisgarh had to go to planets like Karnataka and Bangalore for jobs. Now we will make sure they find jobs on Jupiter too. Jiju (Vadra) has fixed some nice land deals on Jupiter” Rahul added optimistically, “we will also ensure Jupiter is free from communal forces “.

Congress leader Digvijaya Singh, as usual, seemed ecstatic about Rahul Gandhi’s grand ‘Jupiter Mission’. “Rahul baba is truly the best secular leader India has right now. Modi is communal. Modi is responsible for Jupiter’s high escape velocity” Diggy tweeted taking a dig at BJP’s Prime Ministerial candidate Narendra Modi who is also addressing rallies in the state.

Congress national spokesperson Sanjay Jha confirmed the plan. “The ‘Jupiter Mission’ is in initial stages. We have named the plan ‘Sonia Gandhi Jupiter Bhejo Yojana (SGJBY)’ after Sonia madam. It will have reservation for everyone including SCs, STs, Dalits, Adivasis and even for other minorities. We have put the estimated budget for implementation of ‘SGJBY’ at around Rs. 4000 Crores”, Jha said at a press meet, hinting a fresh new scam is in the dock.

Liberal intellectuals and neutral political observers have hailed the grand ‘Jupiter Mission’. “Congress party’s inclusiveness of including Dalits, Adivasis and SCs and STs in ‘Jupiter Mission’ truly demonstrate the party’s commitment to secularism” one neutral intellectual pointed out, adding “Modi only cares about industrialists”.

Meanwhile, a NASA scientist reportedly contradicted Congress party’s ambitious ‘Jupiter Mission’ by saying that Jupiter has no solid surface, since it is a Gas Giant (mostly made of gases). Reacting sharply, Congress leader Kapil Sibal lambasted the scientist and accused NASA of being communal. “We never expected NASA to join hands with communal forces. It is a respected agency and it should not interfere in India’s domestic politics” Sibal mouthed.

Secularists hail the successful transition of Bihar into a ‘secular’ state

Barely just a few months after Nitish Kumar’s valiant break away from the NDA coalition and move towards the ‘secular’ UPA coalition, critics and observers have concluded that Bihar has successfully transitioned into a secular state.

“The first holy sign came during the episode of the mid-day meal deaths. Here, instead of taking strong action and showing solidarity with the victims, the Nitish Kumar government pointed fingers at Narendra Modi and the BJP, personifying the great values of secularism” Mr. Doggy, a very sophisticated politician and liberal, explained.

“After the mid-day meal deaths, Nitish Kumar government was brave enough to bring Modi and BJP in the picture. Even in such a tough scenario, they showed the strength and the stamina to be secular and politically-correct.  I see no greater secular achievement than this” remarked a former critic of the Bihar Chief Minister, who is now become his admirer.

The second holy sign was not far away. After the death of Indian soldiers in the LOC firings by Pakistan, a JD(U) leader showed great secular virtues by belittling the sacrifices of the Indian soldiers. “They join the army only to die” the secular leader said.

“One of the foremost virtues of Congress-branded secularism is anti-Nationalism” a pro-Congress secular liberal explained “anti-Nationalism is the highest attainment of secularism. Hence now we can say with ample certainty that Bihar has successfully transitioned into a secular state”.

The only sacrifice the so-called ‘aam admi’ has to give is to trash the good governance, political accountability, economic stability, development, etc. which the NDA government was providing when in power. Now the people of Bihar can enjoy the Congress-branded ‘secularism’ under the Nitish Kumar government.

Notice to Chinese manufacturer over communal color of cap

New Delhi: Following the interest shown by Chinese manufacturers to tap the secular goods market in India, the Center today has sent a notice to one ‘Mr. To Pi’, brand-owner of ‘SKAPS’, over an alleged report that he also plans to manufacture saffron color skullcaps.

Mr. To Pi expressed great shock at seeing how secular Indians can get

Mr. To Pi expressed great shock on seeing how secular Indians can get

“We will not tolerate this communalism. Manufacturing saffron-colored skullcaps is clearly communal and these Chinese manufacturers are trying to lean towards communal forces” said Congress leader Ajay Maken, without naming anyone in particular.

This comes after a public interview in which ‘Mr. To Pi’ is reported to have said that he plans to manufacture skullcaps in many colors including white, green, saffron, red, pink, blue, etc.

“We don’t have a problem with other colors, but saffron is a communal color” continued Congress leader Ajay Maken, as he tried to bring out the hidden communal urges in the Chinese manufacturer ‘Mr. To Pi’.

The Chief Minister of Bihar, Nitish Kumar, too sang a similar ‘secular’ tune. “White and Green are secular. Other colors are acceptable. But saffron is communal. Saffron is unacceptable to secular people in Bihar” Nitish reacted shortly after Ajay Maken’s remarks.

‘Mr. To Pi’ said that he will look into the matter, “In the interest of appeasing complying with the secular forces, we will scrutinize this matter.”

Another Congress leader Digvijaya Singh took things to the extreme. “This Chinese manufacturer should be banned for his questionable secular credentials” Diggy tweeted.

To demonstrate Congress party’s commitment to secularism, Diggy followed up his previous tweet with another tweet with some inspirational lines:

Diggy_tweets

Parliament considering special reservation for rapists: Sources

Rahul Bose speaking up for rapists

Rahul Bose speaking up for rapists

New Delhi: Both the Houses of Parliament are considering a Bill that would enable rapists to have special reservation, around 10% of the seats, each in the Rajya Sabha and the Lok Sabha.

This new Bill, which would enable rapists (and similar sex offenders) to have a reserved seat in Parliament is being hailed by many Indian intellectuals across India who feel that it would be justified as rapists are also human beings. “Rapists are also humans. This new move would help to resolve the communal divide prevalent in India between rapists and non-rapists”, commented Kallu Phattu, a well-known intellectual.

Renown rapist reformer Rahul Bose expressed joy at this development. “All criminals should be sentenced according to the law, but while serving time I believe if any of them show deep, genuine remorse, they should be given a chance to reform in jail. Also, they should be granted release and given special reservation in Parliament”, said Rahul Bose while speaking to the media after the news of the Bill was announced.

“…We have to ask ourselves of the five or six of the rapists of the December 16 is there anyone who wants to change, who wants to become an MP … Nobody is saying about their right to be represented in Parliament…”, Bose further elaborated.

Many experts believe this new move could be useful as many present Members of Parliaments (MPs) already have rape background. “Many MPs have a history of committing rape in the past. Giving them reservation would enable others to come out and be represented in the Parliament”, said Mr. Doggy Sippy, a veteran political commentator.

“Rapists are a suppressed minority in India. It is of utmost importance to give them adequate representation in the working of the government”, Justice Katju wrote in his blog defending the reservation for rapists.

As per official government sources, Kerala’s popular rapist politician P. J. Kurien will lead the new brigade of rapists in the Indian Parliament. P. J. Kurien is being considered for the role of Chariman of the Indian Rapist Parliamentarians (IRP) committee that will overlook the appointment of rapists in the parliament.

Rahul Gandhi kept in the dark about the horrific incident due to his young age: Congress spokesperson

India's youth icon Rahul Gandhi

Congress party’s youth icon Rahul Gandhi

After the entire nation was outraged at the brutal gang-rape of a 23 year old in Delhi, that was followed by more than two full weeks of protests in the capital and all across India, Rahul Gandhi, considered India’s youth icon was faced with a wave of criticism for being inactive during this ordeal. Rahul Gandhi, who had been recently campaigning for Congress in the just concluded Gujarat polls, was nowhere to be seen in the period following the gang-rape incident of 16th December, 2012.

Many citizens took to social networking to express their disappointment with the Congress General Secretary because of his absence. Citizens were protesting to pressurize the Government to pass strong laws and prevent crimes against women.

“Rahul Gandhi should have come forward and joined in with the protesters. Or atleast he could have pretended to join them”, said a tweeter.

Delhi protesters

Some political analysts believe this has totally screwed the Congress youth icon’s chances of being India’s future Prime Minister. “We don’t want a part-time political youth icon to be our future PM”, a political analyst had to say.

Unofficial reports suggested that Rahul Gandhi had flown to Spain in the last week of December to enjoy the New Year at a dance party there along with a handful of other Congress leaders.

Meanwhile, an official statement was released by a Congress spokesperson stating, “Rahul Gandhi was kept in the dark about the horrific gang-rape that happened on 16th December due to his young age. Our party felt that Rahul baba should not be exposed to such indecent incidents at a very tender age. We had decided to send him to Spain to spend the new year at a luxurious exotic hotel away from all the chaos.”

The 42 year-old youth icon is too young to take part in Delhi protests, ironically.