Tag Archives: twitter

Doctor advises heart patient to stay away from Twitter

Delhi: Chummy Singh, 54, a heart patient has been advised by his trusted family physician to stay away from the micro-blogging site Twitter. Chummy, who is a supporter of a political party, has been fighting relentlessly against internet trolls in an effort to defend his party.

Chummy, who used to work in a marketing background and who is a big fan of Twitter fights, had recently left his job to do tweeting full-time. Unfortunately, sad news was on the way for Chummy. “I had just recently left my job to concentrate entirely on my daily twitter fights” Chummy said disappointingly “But now my doctor is telling me to rest”.

Chummy further explained his misery. “I only recently understood concept of hashtags. All this time I was tweeting without using any hashtags. Now that I have finally understood them, its too late” Chummy cried in despair.

“Chummy takes his Twitter fights too seriously. He exhibits symptoms of hypertension after a Twitter ‘fight-session’. Now, it seems he has even started showing symptoms of paranoia and delusion. Chummy thinks that the opposition party is dominated by ‘communal’ ‘fascist’ aliens from outer space who are using black magic and mind-control powers on him” Dr. Khujliwala explained to our reporter.

Somewhere in the corner of his mind, Chummy suspects that his physician, Dr. Khujliwala, himself could be one of those nasty internet trolls, who is now trolling him in real life. “I suspect Dr. Khujliwala is one of those internet trolls who is trolling me to get me retired from my daily Twitter fights” Chummy explained.

Remarkable, Chummy is not going down easy. Chummy considers himself a soldier for his political party. “I will die fighting (on twitter) but I will not give up” Chummy said, requesting us to leave as he had a psychiatrist appointment in the noon.

Mosquito bites woman belonging to minority community; sparks national debate

New Delhi: In a shocking development, a mosquito has allegedly bit a woman belonging to minority community. The incident took place in Delhi’s busy NCR region when the woman was returning home from work.

The victim, a resident of Delhi, expressed her pain and anguish over the incident. “The mosquito bit me when I was getting out from the metro at Chandni Chowk. It was just a bite. I scratched it a few times. I’m fine now” she said while narrating the shocking incident to a local journalist.

The incident quickly sparked a local controversy. Thought the mosquito’s background and intentions are not yet known, self-proclaimed internet liberals have uncovered the shocking truth.

Its a clear case of communalism and fascism. The mosquito is intolerant of minorities” tweeted a secular internet liberal, which was re-tweeted by other secular internet liberals, leading to massive outrage on Twitter.

The assailant who committed the heinous fascist crime seemed clueless when reporters approached it

The assailant who committed the heinous fascist crime seemed clueless when reporters approached it

Following massive public outrage, the communal fascist mosquito has been caught and remanded in a plastic box at a local police station in Delhi. Secular internet liberals have hailed the swift action on the part of the Delhi police in arresting the mosquito.

Congress leader Digvijaya Singh smells RSS/ BJP’s hand in the incident. “Narendra Modi was giving his speech in Odisha and the mosquito bit the woman. Is there a connect? Wait for investigation..” tweeted Diggy.

Diggy spoke exclusively to our reporter regarding the incident. “Delhi has secular mosquitoes. They first suck the blood of the majority community, and only then do they target the minority community. But that never happens, because the secular mosquitoes get enough blood from the majority community, so they never have to target the minorities. This communal mosquito must have come from a BJP-ruled state” Diggy claimed.

Diggy also tweeted a warning to Nitish Kumar and non-BJP ruled states from the onslaught of communal mosquitoes, saying “Be careful Nitish Kumar and non-BJP ruled states. Communal fascist mosquitoes are coming..

Just like Diggy, secular internet liberals are connecting the incident with Narendra Modi’s Odisha visit. Here are some examples of efforts of secular tweeters to expose Modi:

“Narendra Modi visited Odisha and the next thing you know is a #mosquito bites a woman belonging to minority community in #Delhi.”

“Narendra Modi is a fascist dictator, he even inspires communalism in mosquitoes. #Feku exposed.”

The incident has sparked national debates all across India. Many top news channels will be scheduling a live debate at the prime-time slot. It will have several secular intellectuals on the panel to collectively decide the fate of the mosquito.

“Did the mosquito intentionally bite the woman just because she belonged to minority community. The nation wants to know. The Newshour Debate Tonight” Arnab of ‘Times Now’ tweeted.

“On Buck Stops Here: Mosquito bites a minority woman. Is it a Modi conspiracy?” Barkha of NDTV tweeted.

Some Congress leaders are mulling the idea of sending the matter to NIA for investigation. “We are considering it” Congress leader Ajay Maken revealed.

A honest sincere citizen, who had like, absolutely no “affiliation” to any political party, launched a satirical website using JavaScript to mock the mosquito. It showed the image of Narendra Modi with a mosquito in his hand, with description which read as “To know how I communalize India using mosquitoes, click the link below.

However, after facing “backlash”, the content was removed.  The site read as follows, “I quit. I thought you could make decent satire on anybody. But, clearly, apparently, I was wrong. Mosquitoes were biting me all night, so I had to shut the site down.” The incident was taken note by the media and appeared in almost all major news channels and websites exposing Modi’s mosquito scam.

Notice to Chinese manufacturer over communal color of cap

New Delhi: Following the interest shown by Chinese manufacturers to tap the secular goods market in India, the Center today has sent a notice to one ‘Mr. To Pi’, brand-owner of ‘SKAPS’, over an alleged report that he also plans to manufacture saffron color skullcaps.

Mr. To Pi expressed great shock at seeing how secular Indians can get

Mr. To Pi expressed great shock on seeing how secular Indians can get

“We will not tolerate this communalism. Manufacturing saffron-colored skullcaps is clearly communal and these Chinese manufacturers are trying to lean towards communal forces” said Congress leader Ajay Maken, without naming anyone in particular.

This comes after a public interview in which ‘Mr. To Pi’ is reported to have said that he plans to manufacture skullcaps in many colors including white, green, saffron, red, pink, blue, etc.

“We don’t have a problem with other colors, but saffron is a communal color” continued Congress leader Ajay Maken, as he tried to bring out the hidden communal urges in the Chinese manufacturer ‘Mr. To Pi’.

The Chief Minister of Bihar, Nitish Kumar, too sang a similar ‘secular’ tune. “White and Green are secular. Other colors are acceptable. But saffron is communal. Saffron is unacceptable to secular people in Bihar” Nitish reacted shortly after Ajay Maken’s remarks.

‘Mr. To Pi’ said that he will look into the matter, “In the interest of appeasing complying with the secular forces, we will scrutinize this matter.”

Another Congress leader Digvijaya Singh took things to the extreme. “This Chinese manufacturer should be banned for his questionable secular credentials” Diggy tweeted.

To demonstrate Congress party’s commitment to secularism, Diggy followed up his previous tweet with another tweet with some inspirational lines:

Diggy_tweets

Guy tweets ‘Katju is a nut’, gets arrested by police

As one can see, there is clear difference between the two. Justice Katju (above) and Kaju, the Cashew nut (below)

On close observation, one can see clear difference between the two, Justice Katju (above) and Kaju, the Cashew nut (below)

Delhi: On Saturday, a famous twitter personality Mr. Khujliwala (name changed to protect identity) known for his smart wise-ass tweets was arrested by local police here for allegedly tweeting the words- “#Katju is a nut”. The tweet went viral and ended up being retweeted thousands of times. It also started a trend “#KatjuIsANut”. Justice Markandey Katju, who is also active on twitter, pissed off by the trend, filed a complaint at a local police station leading to arrest of Khujliwala.

Mr. Khujliwala is known for taking potshots and poking fun at celebrities and politicians. However, this time, his victim Justice Katju, didn’t take the potshot too lightly. Acting on the complaint, the police arrived at Khujliwala’s house sometime on Monday morning and arrested him.

The police booked a case of defamation against the accused Mr. Khujliwala, who was produced before a local magistrate.  Some of his followers and supporters had gathered to protest outside the Court calling for his release.

It is learnt that during the proceeding, Mr. Khujliwala clarified that he was referring to Kaju (Hindi word for Cashew nuts). “I was talking about Cashew nut, which we call Kaju in Hindi. Kaju is a nut so all I said on twitter was ‘Kaju is a nut’, though I mistakenly wrote Kaju as Katju”, Mr. Khujliwala is reported to have said in his defence. Following this, the magistrate released Mr. Khujliwala with a stern warning not to compare Kaju,the nut, with Justice Katju.

Mr. Khujliwala was seen grinning away as he made his way out of the Court.